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RENUKA
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pocketful of sunshine.mp3 - Natasha bedingfield
Monday, December 24, 2007, 6:11 pm
So done with love and relationships.

I'm at this stage where I just can't control my tears. I'm just lost for words. There is no one whom I can confide into.The last time I cried till like this was when I was with an abusive boyfriend. The sad thing is that there is nothing much I can do. Really, NOTHING. And that's what makes it hurt even more.

Well, I guess I deserve all this. When love was just at my doorway begging for another chance, I just walked away. Now I am an unlucky fool in love. I hate all of this. The pain, the tears, the suffering in silence. How am I suppose to live with this kind of person.

1) Constantly keeps using vulgarities at me
2) Screaming and shouting at me
3) Never bothers to call back
4) Doesn't hear to what I got to say
5) Doesn't even care less

Just what should I do now. I'm so clueless. I don't even know what to do. I just wish I had the guts like how I had back then with Kalai. The guts to just don't bother about the world and just commit suicide. But that will just leave me guilty cause I'm the only child to my mum and she gave all she had to bring me up as a single parent. DAMN it! I'm just cursed in every way. Every night has been nothing but tears and fights.

Just how much can I take it. My mum doesn't believe me. She thinks that he is saint. Says that I will never be able to find another guy better than him. On the other hand, I love him so much. Back then during the first few months into the relationship, it was all so lovely and beautiful. I was not possessive or dependent on him. And then one fine day he asks me to be possessive just so that he wouldn't feel secured. He also wanted me to be dependent on me. My BIGGEST mistake. Now it has just let me to be such a loser who is always dependent on him.

I didn't ask for this did I? Why am I always given the gift of being sad. I rather you take my soul, Lord. For it is really far too much for me to take. All I'm asking is just for someone to love me like his very own and never let me go no matter what. I know I had many chances and I misused it all last time. But I have learnt my mistake and I'm very sorry. Then why am I still blessed with such rotten luck. Is there no hope for me at all. Am I deemed with such luck forever?

If it is because I never did went to church, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready yet. I want to be sure of myself and want to make church a weekly affair and not a once in a while affair. If this is the reason. Please forgive me. All I'm asking is for another chance. Why do You always give me some happiness and then in the end just let me suffer for all You care.

I really can't take this anymore. I know I'm a strong girl despite being sensitive, but really how MUCH can I take? PLEASE

I just pray a miracle happens soon.

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