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RENUKA
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<pocketful of sunshine.mp3 - Natasha bedingfield
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 4:58 pm
Eve of Valentine's...Love
Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I will either be at home or at school studying for the upcoming exams. I really miss my boyfriend so much. His battery is flat and I really wonder if he will call me at 12am tonight. Yes, I know that there is nothing great about Valentine's Day and that everyday should be a Valentine's Day. But hey, just like Mother's Day and Father's Day signify the love of our parents that we take for granted, its the same for Valentine's Day too. A day set aside to realise how much we have went through together and perhaps, set aside some time from the busy schedule. Hence, Valentine's Day on its own holds a special meaning of its own for individual couples. If my memory serves me well, I think Sir Valentine died on this day to unite two lovers hence this day came up. Yep so, I really hope that Deva would call me or atleast send a message.Right now with so much of problems going on, I really want to be in his arms. For the past several months ever since I went on with him, I have pretty much kept to myself. So much so that when he isn't here, I feel so lonely and pathetic. He doesn't really like it when I'm close to guys except for certain trusted ones like Kabelan, Rajen and etc cause of some incidents in the past when I was with him. With so much of problems going on I really didn't know what to do so I spoke to my Dad about it and he told me to seek the help of a counsellor else I will go mad! I'm still thinking if I should make an appointment. I can't help looking at my Dad with an envious eye. I mean look at him, he is in his fifties, divorced and enjoys life to the maximum. He clubs, drinks and smokes. On the other hand, my mother is like a robot with no entertainment in life except for the TV and maybe occasional outings with her friends.
I feel so bad for making her cry yesterday. We were fighting over something really minor like buying a certain type of shorts that I dislike. She has never ever cried no matter what happened. Even with all the court cases, she still stood strong. But yesterday she started sobbing away. It makes me realise how much I mean to her and how much my words affect her. I am the only person that she has got. Dont count in my relatives cause every single one of them is CONDEMNED, I swear. Even my Dad was telling that my mother only has got me and no one else. He told me not to worry about him cause he has never failed to enjoy his life regardless of whether if he is in or out of jail. One thing I truly appreciate about my Dad is that he has been to jail countless times and many thought that he would never come up in life. Even his own sibilings. But now, he is self-employed and earns up to a few thousands a month. I'm truly proud of my Dad. Maybe, it was true that he never commited himself to the family and always wanted to have fun with his friends but the 7 years seperation from me has no doubt taught him a lesson and I'm glad.
I really hope that everything will turn out for the better soon. I really miss being happy. I miss having my friends around me. I miss my mum's innocent laughters. I miss my dad's sardine sambal and crab curry. I miss my cousins though none of them ever had one second to spare for me. Since young, I have always been alone. Sibilings wise, I have none. Cousins wise, none bothered about me due to the problems between my Dad and Mum. Hence, I always played with myself and indulged in reading. When I grew older, I started making alot of friends. My mother wasn't really happy about this cause she was afraid that I might turn out like my Dad. True, I have my Dad's temper and his character but chances of me ending up like him are slim. I'm glad that she realised this soon after. So then as my circle of friends grew, so did the problems caused by them. Then came the boyfriends whom I thought I loved. One of them, abusive even. Finally I have settled down with Deva and now that he is in army, I feel lonely again. I feel like I'm back to square one. My social life is ZERO.
I dont know whether you realise this but Deva, I am hopelessly in love with you even though I have asked you for a break countless times. Both you and I know that I didn't mean it. I dont know about you but every time I ask for a break up or even everytime when we fight, I feel this stabbing pain in my heart. You have created such a impact in life that I find it dificult to let you go. You have become an essential part of my life. Life will never be the same if you were to leave. I have grown used to the lifestyle with you in it. If you were to leave, my life will be incomplete. Like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece. You complete me.
I LOVE YOU DEVA. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE PART OF THE FAMILY.
ALSO A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO MY PARENTS. I LOVE YOU AND NEVER MEANT HURT YOU AT ANY POINT OF TIME.
LASTLY TO EVERYONE OUT THERE, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!