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RENUKA
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NYP
Sch of Life Sci: Molecular Biotechnology
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pocketful of sunshine.mp3 - Natasha bedingfield
Monday, January 05, 2009, 7:40 pm

I was indulging myself in one of Danielle Steel's book when I heard a woman's crying just below. ( i live on the 2nd floor so i happen to able to hear from cats making noises to find a mate to husband and wife squabbles.) And this woman, she was pleading with her husband/boyfriend/special one to stop treating her like that and to be nicer with her. And just as I was about to forget my relationship woes and slip into my imaginary world with books, this incident made snap back to reality.

The conversation I had with him today, both, lasted a mere 30 seconds. There was really nothing much for us to talk. It also didn't seem like if I had wanted to prolong the conversation he would have happily entertained me either, I assume. The usual cheerfulness was missing from his voice (well, maybe this could be due to the tiredness from revising) and all i could sense was the distrust in it. I told him that I was revising earlier and had taken a break and would resuming to revision soon. And he replied that with a short, sarcastic laughter. Sorry, but I'm not exactly a saint and I could no way see this as a optimistic reply cause even i were to take it as one, it wasn't even funny that he had to laugh for. What I could sense rather was the distrust in his voice. I know, it was my fault. Not once, not twice. But really, if I had known that proving was going to be so hard I would have never did it.

I really miss him so much. I miss his corny jokes, his sweet messages, his hugs, his kisses and so on. Funny thing is I miss all of these stuff only when he stops doing it. Not that I was not appreciative but rather not as appreciative. We talk so little, barely updating each other on the day's happenings. But I can't bring myself to continue the conversation because I know I'm so weak that I might just end up crying which might just upset him. The way he replies or react is hurting and hence, I have to limit my conversation.

Just yesterday, I was talking to my mum till 3.30am in the morning and I don't know what came over me but I told my mum about my bf. Not entirely but the fact that I like him. She didn't give much of a reply cause according to her I'm fickle so she only wants me to seek her when I have made up my mind. So fair enough, I left it at that and talked about other issues. I haven't had the chance to tell this to my bf and probably wouldn't be telling due to the countless problems over it in the past. Maybe if it happened before all the problems he would have been happy but now, I think not.

At times, I just feel like crying but I just can't. I don't understand why I just can't be hard hearted and just leave. It is not that he is a bad guy or anything like that. Like, i have mentioned in my previous post he is an ideal bf. Its just that in the past when a relationship becomes hard to handle, I chose to leave. Cowardly move, but back then I thought it beats to getting myself hurt. But this time, I really love him and I know that I have got no one to blame except for myself. He kept to his words but I didn't keep to mine.

I just secretly, hope/wish/pray that everything would be back to normal soon. Pretty soon?

and then there is this other voice that says in my head, dream on.