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<pocketful of sunshine.mp3 - Natasha bedingfield
Sunday, May 31, 2009, 10:15 pm
Okay, I am blogging sooner than I expected. So after exactly, 1.5 months since I last spoke to you, the first thing I want to blog about is you. But its a little different this time cause it is for the better I guess.Initially, I was taking the whole damn break up issue really bad and behaving really stupid. Hell, I even tried attempting suicide which gave me nothing but endless sleep and terrible stomach ache and headache. I could never accept the break cause I always felt like it was MY mistake that everything happened and that I never did enough to mend them. I could never forgive myself. And I kept running back to you every damn time, only to have you pushing me away with fucking hurtful words. I keep telling myself that eventually things would get better but no, it only got worse and I got myself shit which I had a hard time coming out from.
I'm going to be honest. You always occurred to me to be that guy who knew everything, knew how to handle everything, knew how to love a girl right and treat a girl. right I always thought I could never find anyone else like you. I was head over heels in love with you. I admit that as much i hated you for controlling me on certain stuff, deep down I knew that you did all that you did cause you loved me. Yes, I did mistakes and eventually you got "seasoned" to it. But really, sometimes I did what I did to really see if you care cause after some time, after what happened, I felt like as if you didnt love me anymore. I thought you never wanted me anymore but just didnt wana hurt me by telling me off. Of course, I could have just asked ya straight to your face but I didn't want to cause of well, my pride. I wanted to show that it didn't affect me but I guess I handled it all wrongly. I kept doing the mistakes and you got "seasoned" to them eventually and I didn't get the usual reactions and I started to feel miserable and behaved like a fool and the relationship took a turn for the worst. And then I felt that everything was going to fast and there were just way to many fights and I just didnt know how to handle it and it seemed to me like you just gave up on the relationship. That was when I asked for the break, thinking that some time away from each other would help. But of course, you thought the direct opposite of what I did and took it as a step to forget me COMPLETELY. Oh well, you may say that you didn't and never led me on. But seriously, some of your actions are sometimes incomprehensible. And of course, since there were two sides to it I obviously took the positive side of it. So well, whatever. And of course, the day finally came where you indirectly told me to fuck off and that is when I realised I have ready lost all the self-respect that anyone could ever lose. And there I was in the beginning, holding on to my pride. LOL.
Recently, I met a friend of mine and the conversation switched to about how I was coping without you and stuff and only after did she know that I was doing okay did she reveal this. I SWEAR, I thought I was dreaming the whole incident. I really couldn't believe what i was hearing. On my 18th birthday last year, even before all "that" shit happened, you already began your bitching business with her boyfriend! You told him stuff like I kissed another guy (Which is not true. He kissed me goodbye on the cheek and that too as a friendly gesture and instead of hiding it from you I told you that very day), every other problems that we had, that I'm a bad person to befriend with and all the other nots and nonsense. Seriously, don't you practise what you preach? The minute I mention to one of my close classmates or forbidden friends about a quarrel that we had (mind you, i didn't bitch about yo here), you would be so irritated and start throwing words. What I did was unacceptable to you. And here, on my birthday, leaving me alone with my friend, you bitch about your own girlfriend to an almost stranger and complain about personal matters to him. What do you call that?? Isn't that like a total breach of trust? Oh wait, you also told him not to reveal about it to anyone especially me. And the next day, instead of just apologizing to my friend for the shit that happened, you told the same shit that you told her boyfriend and again asking her not to tell me anything. What were trying to prove here? If you were so angry with me over the stuff that I did or if you didn't want me to do certain stuff, you could have told me. I ASKED YOU A MILLION TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED YOU WHAT WAS WRONG AND DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG OR HURT YOU. BUT YOU KEPT REFUSING. I TRIED SO MANY TIMES TO GET IT OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I COULD SOMETHING WAS AMISS. BUT NO, YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT YOU COULD TELL TO AN ALMOST COMPLETE STRANGER. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All this happened during the relationship. And now, when I look back at our chat logs i really cannot believe that it was you who did what you did. You showed so much of love and made everything so beautiful. The way you replied to my messages, its just so DIFFERENT. You were always so adamant on the fact that I would get over you the minute I broke up with you right. So here it is, we broke up on the 11th of Jan and it has since been exactly 4.5 months. I have re-lived almost an entire relationship that I had with you. Only this time, it is without you or you love. Yes, I did a mistake once but that was when i was drunk and not in my right senses. (It was just a kiss.) That doesn't mean that I forgot all my love for you and did that mistake right? Cause your logic is stupid! Plain stupid. You just want to be right in everything. And even if it is not, you will convince the other person to see your point of the "truth".
For all the love/bullshit that said you had for me, did you ever once, just once, stop to think on how I was coping without you? Did you? I can bet my whole life on this that you never ever did once. I am so sure of this. As for me, there was never a day that I stopped thinking about you. I had to occupy myself with so much of activites to the point that it exhausts me to a great deal just to get my mind off you. Of course, this is still justa nother bullshit to you. I don't even why I am typing this whole shit out. It just feels so good getting this whole ting out of my system, like an excretion. Today, I got reminded of you so suddenly and I cried. I got reminded of all the lovely times that we had that seems almost impossible to even imagine now, I got reminded of your love for me and how you have changed so tremendously. But then i realise, that girl and her bf were not the only ones you bitch to. There was another one too and that was done when we were sailing smoothly. So, it just makes me wonder. Which part of you is real? Which part of your love was true? Did you mean anything that you said? The way you behaved then and the stuff that I heard are complete OPPOSITE of each other. WHAT WAS REAL IN THE REALTIONSHIP?? WHO WAS I EVEN LOVING or WHAT WAS I EVEN LOVING??
I LOVED you alot and I have shed enough tears and lost enough self respect whilst trying to prove it. You didn't ask me to prove it but the way you speak.....argh!! Its like "you are never this and you are never that" and it makes a normal person to wana prove something.
Is it possible to love a person so much and after that hate him to the same point as well? Cause it is beginning to happen to me. Love to realisation and realisation to hate.
I only have to thank you for the patience, self control and the hurt that you gave me. Cause now it only makes me stronger. But the bad thing about is that it makes it so hard for me to trust anyone.
And yes, you are right. The right one will come alone and it is definitely not you.
GOOD RIDDANCE, SUNSHINE LOVE :)
Amen.
ps. I don't know if what I blogged made sense but so long as it makes sense to me, its fine. So my silent readers, (I know you read cause sometimes you mention stuff which I never told ya about!) try figuring out okay.